Narcissistic - A word we use so freely it's become part of everyday conversation. Once a clinical diagnosis, it shows up everywhere—from relationship advice to political commentary to texts between friends. “Gaslighting” was even Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022. But we’re not always using these terms accurately. We might say, “My ex was …
Narcissistic – A word we use so freely it’s become part of everyday conversation. Once a clinical diagnosis, it shows up everywhere—from relationship advice to political commentary to texts between friends. “Gaslighting” was even Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022.
But we’re not always using these terms accurately.
We might say, “My ex was such a narcissist,” or “My boss is totally narcissistic,” without fully understanding what those words mean. In truth, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects only 0.5% to 5% of the population. And while many people show narcissistic traits from time to time, that doesn’t mean they have a personality disorder.
Social media has taken the term even further—turning it from a diagnosis into an insult.
But behind the overuse and misunderstanding, there’s something real: a complex condition rooted in pain and disconnection.
This piece isn’t about excusing harmful behavior.
It’s about understanding the full picture, so we can hold compassion and boundaries at the same time—and begin to heal.
What Narcissism Really Is
There’s a big difference between narcissistic traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
NPD is a serious and rare mental health condition that shows up as a consistent pattern of:
- Grandiosity
- An intense need for admiration
- Difficulty empathizing with others
People with NPD often struggle to maintain healthy relationships, regulate emotions, or accept feedback. Their sense of self-worth depends almost entirely on external validation. But not everyone who seeks attention or acts selfishly has NPD. Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and we all move along that spectrum at times.
There are different types, too:
- Grandiose narcissism (overt confidence and entitlement)
- Vulnerable narcissism (hypersensitivity, shame, emotional fragility)
- Communal narcissism (appearing selfless to be admired)
- Antagonistic narcissism (focused on rivalry and control)
Understanding these nuances can help us make sense of difficult relationships without jumping to labels—and without losing ourselves in the process.
How Narcissism Forms
Narcissism doesn’t come from too much love. It often comes from the absence of the right kind of love. Many people with narcissistic traits grew up in homes where vulnerability was unsafe, where they were only seen when they performed, succeeded, or pleased others. Their authentic emotions were often ignored, invalidated, or punished.
In response, they created a false self. A version of themselves that looked confident, accomplished, or untouchable—but was actually built to hide deep feelings of shame, fear, and unworthiness. This “armor” becomes a way of life. And over time, they may forget there’s anything underneath it.
At the root of many narcissistic behaviors is:
- A fear of being exposed
- A chronic sense of not being enough
- A fragile identity built around external praise
Understanding this doesn’t excuse the harm these behaviors cause. But it helps us let go of confusion, self-blame, and the illusion that we can fix someone who hasn’t chosen to face their own pain.
What It Feels Like to Be Around Them
Relationships with narcissistic people can be confusing, consuming, and emotionally draining.
At first, it might feel magnetic.
They often come on strong—attentive, charming, deeply affirming. This is called the idealization phase, or more popularly, love bombing. You may feel seen in a way that’s almost intoxicating.
Then comes the shift.
Over time, you may begin to notice:
- Subtle put-downs or backhanded compliments
- Blame-shifting and emotional withdrawal
- Gaslighting that makes you question your memory or intuition
- A growing sense of walking on eggshells
The worst part? You start to feel invisible, like your needs, voice, and feelings don’t matter anymore. You might cycle through:
- Idealization – You’re put on a pedestal
- Devaluation – Your self-worth is chipped away
- Discard – They pull away emotionally or leave entirely
Sometimes this cycle repeats over and over. Sometimes the discard is emotional, even if the relationship “continues.” Either way, it leaves you questioning your reality—and wondering who you are anymore.
Can You Love Someone with Narcissism?
Yes. But only if you don’t lose yourself trying. Relationships with narcissistic people often involve deep emotional push and pull. You may see their wounds. You may love the parts of them that show tenderness or potential. You may feel loyal to the version of them you once knew.
But to stay in that relationship, you need boundaries, clarity, and support.
You’ll need to:
- Recognize what’s yours to hold—and what isn’t
- Let go of the fantasy that your love will change them
- Stay anchored in your own truth and self-worth
- Understand that their healing is not your responsibility
It’s also essential to know that some people with narcissistic traits can grow—especially if they’re willing to seek therapy, take accountability, and examine the roots of their behavior.
But many are not ready. And trying to rescue them can cost you your own peace.
When to Walk Away
There comes a point where compassion turns into self-abandonment.
You may know it’s time to walk away when:
- You can’t recognize yourself anymore
- Your nervous system is constantly in survival mode
- You feel emotionally unsafe, unseen, or unheard
- Your empathy becomes a trap instead of a strength
Walking away doesn’t mean you didn’t love them. It means you finally chose to love yourself more.
You’re also allowed to grieve—not just the person, but the hope, the potential, the version of the relationship you wished for. That grief is real. And it’s part of healing.
Final Thoughts: Labels vs. Humanity
It’s easy to label people who’ve hurt us. It can bring clarity, validation, even protection.
But true narcissism is more than a label. It’s a complex pattern rooted in deep emotional injury. You don’t have to excuse it. But you don’t have to carry bitterness, either. You can walk away with empathy. You can let go with clarity. You can see someone’s wounds without staying in the crossfire of their unhealed pain.
Healing from narcissistic relationships isn’t about diagnosing others—it’s about reclaiming yourself.
You are allowed to speak the truth.
You are allowed to choose peace.
And you are allowed to begin again—stronger, wiser, and more whole.
